Ouch

That's me getting smacked in the face with some truth. I've been reading in Emotionally Healthy Spirituality about our journey through the wall. And at some point, every Christian has to do it. And you can either journey through it or become stagnant or even worse, regress. This process can take a few months or many years.

I'm realizing that this process probably started 5 years ago, with that wonderful Chi Omega experience of presidency. And since then, it's been a LOT of hard lessons without a lot of happiness to balance it out. Not that day in and day out I feel sad, but overall, there hasn't been a super joyous season. And in a lot of ways, it's good to know this is normal.

I had the thought the other day that God is evidently more concerned with my holiness than my happiness. And the yucky part of me hates that. I wish I felt differently. But right now, I don't. And the best I can do is be really honest about that. I was really convicted by this passage in the chapter I was reading.

"I like control. I like to know where God is going, exactly what he is doing, the exact route of how we are getting there, and exactly when we will arrive. I also like to remind God of his need to behave in ways that fit in with my clear ideas of him...Yes, God is everything revealed in Scripture, but also infinitely more. God is not an object that I can determine, master, possess, or command. And still I try to somhow use my 'clear ideas' about God to give me power over him, to somehow possess him. Unconsciously, I make a deal with God that goes something like this: 'I obey and keep my part of the bargain. Now you bless me. Do not allow any serious suffering.'"

Ouch. That pretty much sums up my wrong ideas of my walk with God. And as long as it seems to have been, I don't think I would think those above thoughts in a short amount of time. It's the long-term struggles and waiting that bring out the grossness in me. It's THEN that I get tired and frustrated and my true character comes out. I'm no stranger to waiting for things. And I'd like to say I've gotten pretty good at it. But then it strikes a chord and suddenly God reveals those nice little gems of truth that hit me straight between the eyes. Super ouch.