It's that time of year again...

Where we learn the pretérito of poner.  For those of us that are non-Spanish speakers, I'll leave you with this hint to see if you can figure out the cacaphony of giggles/noise in my room today.  And it's only round 1:

me puse
me pusiste
me puso
me pusimos
me pusisteis
me pusieron

ex. Me puse los zapatos.

"I put on my shoes", ok???  Get your mind out of the gutter...

one last thing

I was gone yesterday to a Spanish concert (oh boy) and well...let's just say some of my kids didn't care for their sub.  I got this email while we were riding the cheese box home:

This sub is not.... Ya. We shouldn't have her again. Ima get kicked out of class.

I laughed so hard.  I wrote her back quickly and said, "Don't you dare.  I'll be back in 20 minutes.  Be good."  She replies back, "okkkkkkk."  And she's not kidding about getting kicked out of class.  We had this conversation the day before I left about how if she doesn't like a sub, she'll just tell them what she thinks/shut up. Cool.  But she kept it together (yay for progress!) and then we had to have a conversation about being nice to your sub is like being nice to me.  To which another student replied, "It's not the same.  I like you. I don't like her. Different."  Thanks for clearing that up.  Also, please don't sit on me.  You're like 3 times my size.  So that was my day.  And you wonder why we say it's almost better to just stay at school than have a sub....but I do have "Ima get kicked out class" running through my head and that's pretty funny.

If dogs were kids...

Then I would be a terrible mother.  I get worried about the dumbest things.  And it makes me realize how much I work.  Because then I come home and feel terrible that these dogs have to be downstairs.  So then I actually play fetch with them because I feel guilty.  ;)  And I wonder if they get scared being in the basement in the dark or I wonder what they would do all day long.  And then I sometimes wonder what they're barking at right when I go to bed.  That one wasn't so fun because I had visions of intruders and not sugar plums dancing in my head.  But we're fine.  Still here typing today...

Here's "Arver" or Oliver, hanging out by the fire.  I personally think he's warming up his teeny body from being outside.  Oh yes, and I also worry about the most random crap, i.e. What if a coyote eats them?  What if they run away?  And should I stop calling them "girls" because Oliver is definitely a boy?  Regardless, they certainly get the "least high-maintenance" award for dog-sitting.  It's no Newfoundland/small pony incontinence, 3 leg-take-me-to-vet kind of situation here.  If you're lucky, I'll post that video sometime.  But only if you're really nice.

Lolzies

I don't know who came up with that word (Lindsey or Bobbi or Ashley??) but it's used a lot.  And I love it.  And today, while chatting with my cute little friend, Jenny, I decided I'd like to add "zies" to a lot of words.  It started with adding it to "alcoholzies" because clearly, I'm a little out of it by Friday afternoon.  And maybe this teachzie needs a drink after handing out multiple detentions in her last class.  Like I want to see their faces on Monday morning but alas, I also don't want to tell these "pupezies" to keep working every 5 flipping seconds. (Pupil works better than student even if it might just make you think of a pube.  Oops. Now it definitely does.)  Or have them make a cat noise at me because they think I'm being cranky.  So we got to talk about disrespect, being adults and all that blah blah blah crapzies.

But back to my point:  it's really fun to say.  Just try it.  Beerzies.  Winezies.  Ok, fine.  Non-alcoholic examples would include chatzies, teachzies, coolzies, lovezies (that's for sure from Lindsey), this suckzies, etc.

And finally to leave you with one more gemzie of wisdom from a student after we had one of our "chatzies":  "You mean this isn't Burger King?  I can't just have it my way?"  Sadly, no, weird kid.  That's not life.  But it makes for something to say on the blogsy.  (And that one is courtesy of Lyndi, just different spelling.)  You see, guys?  We were all dying to use it collectively anyway!  Now I just compiled it into one post!  Samezies!

Guest blogger

For 8 Acre Life!  Ok, not really, but I am living on the Clark's 8 acres for two weeks while they visit Ashley in Spain.  I've been trying to blog this forever but my dumb smart phone wouldn't load the pictures at school via my blogging app so I finally opted for emailing them to myself.  (Sad tears for this poor white girl's first world problems...srsly Jill.)

Here are some of the notes left to me such as feeding the chickens, checking the horse's water, letting the dogs out, using the remote, etc.  Good stuff.  Just call me Pioneer Woman.  (Actually, don't, because 1. I'm not a huge fan of the pioneers or the prairie and 2. the most farm-like I get is climbing the ladder, generally in my work clothes, to get the eggs from the hay bale.  Not exactly break-your-back farm work here.)

I also got some notes from Jayme and Bryan.  If you can't read it, Jayme said, "No boys," (and told me to move her stuff to another house) and  Bryan told me "not to touch the cello."  So rude.  I was really planning on having a raging cello party with all the boys I could think of.  And I was going to fry the 1000 eggs in the fridge.  But I have to scrap those plans now.

And then this cute little scene greeted me in my room.  Flowers and waters and general prettyness.  It was neat.  It's been nice to be in the quiet.  And be so close to work...even if I'm somehow still a few minutes late.  Go figure.

my desk

Sucks.  That is the middle drawer on the floor.  And I'm not rhyming to be cute.It crashed to the floor during my last class of the day.  If only I had known that it would be an omen to how the rest of class was going to go...Some snippets to give you a picture of a fun-filled 90 minutes:
"You're not original to talk about bringing 'special' brownies to class.  Dumb.""Unroll your pants.  You're distracting everyone.""We don't need to hear about who ANYONE is dating in this class.  I never want to know.""You should just be quiet for the rest of class.  I'm tired of hearing your voice.""It is not a realistic expectation of a human being that I should be happy and nice to you after you have been annoying for 90 minutes straight."  "Stop falling out of your chairs."
(In case you didn't catch that, those were all of my comments to students.  And the natural questions coming to your mind might be, "What's the deal with the pants?"  Answer:  OMG it's so hot in here, I'm going to die.  Or maybe it was, "Why are they falling out of their chairs?"  Answer: I have not the slightest idea.  Or perhaps it was, "Wow, did she start teaching middle schoolers?  Answer:  No.  Average age of these scholars was 16.)
To sum up, I just got paid to do some Halloween baby-sitting.  Oh yes, because they were allowed to wear their costumes to school today.  Awesome. However, one kid came with a box taped around him and then a lamp on his shoulder. Can you guess what he was?  I'll just tell you:  a one night stand.  Hahahahaha.  And oh my stars, inappropriate.  But points for being clever and creative!
So now my drawer is still on the floor, I have rehearsal in about 40 minutes and I'm suppose to somehow plan and be productive after all of that.  Uh huh.  Riiiight.  I would like to take a nap. Or drink a Diet Coke.  But I don't have one and that's a bummer.


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My nephew

Is obsessed with animals of all kinds.  Thankfully, his doting grandpa also happens to raise miniature donkeys (because you know, everyone needs another ass...)  He also loves kitties.  And likes to call things "baby."  Probably because his baby brother, Kase, is always referred to as "Baby Kase."  He mainly likes to use it with his brother when he blames something on him.  Favorite line is, "Baby broke it!"  (When "Baby" is 10 feet away but whatever.)

Beau is also obsessed with the cats or "baby kitties" at my grandma's.  Let's just say his touch is not so gentle.  Here he is "holding" (ok, squeezing) a baby kitty.  He pulled it out of the table and said, "Come on baby kitty, come on."

And below, he is quite literally squeezing the piss out of this cat.  (Don't worry PETA, I made him put it down after I took a picture...and saw that it was peeing on him.)  You can always tell when he gets really intense about something because he bites on his tongue.

And then he makes the "baby kitty" eat.  "You eat now. Come on kitty, come on.  Baby, eat. Kay.  Baby eat."

I hate to admit it but I was almost in tears I was laughing so hard at his antics.
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INFJ

Personality profile from the Myars Briggs.  This is me in a "it's-so-true-it's-creepy" kind of way.  If you didn't know I was an introvert, well...now you do.  I'd rather blog about it than have you ask me lots of questions.  :)  And as I like to point out, only 1-2% of the population is this combo; ergo, I'm so special it's amazing.  Hahahahaha.  Aka, it's a reason behind my weirdness.


 ”It is difficult to classify INFJs as either “right-brained” or “left-brained,” as they can often utilize both sides with great adeptness. This is exemplified by the fact that INFJs are both creative and responsible, artistic and logical, spiritual and scientific, holistic and analytic.”


“iNFjs have an unusually strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others and genuinely enjoy helping their companions.”


“Indeed, because of their strong ability to take into themselves the feelings of others, iNFjs can be hurt rather easily by those around them, which, perhaps, is one reason why they tend to be private people, mutely withdrawing from human contact. At the same time, friends who have known an iNFj for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that they are inconsistent; iNFjs value their integrity a great deal, but they have intricately woven, mysterious personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.”


“INFJs often feel the need to channel their emotions through writing, poetry, the arts, or religious engagement.  This desire for artistic or religious expression derives from a felt need to communicate their feelings through a universally understood, symbolic medium.”


“They may also get entangled in an incessant quest for self-analysis and identity-seeking, believing that if they could only sort out their emotions and understand themselves that everything else would naturally fall into place.  They feel it necessary discover who they are before they can possibly discern what to do with their lives.”


“More than other intuitive introverts, INFJs enjoy teaching, especially in post-secondary settings.  Teaching not only affords them the opportunity to impart their knowledge and insights, but the chance to inspire and catalyze the potential in their pupils.  In some cases, INFJ teachers may be more interested in deeply impacting the lives of others than they are in the subject itself.”


“INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities.”


Thanks, Sarah B., for sharing this.  I'm sure you're not shocked that we're the same.

Pulgogi

Well, this is a few weeks old and pictures are from my phone but at least I'm posting them.

Me, hanging out with Ash, aka, her creepy cutout.

And here's the Patters and the bf.  Yes, I went ahead and posted a picture because I was getting grief for not sharing this after several months.  So there you go, 10 readers, that probably already knew I was dating Jake anyway, I posted about it.  Woo.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

things i heard today

in the hall:
*"I just burnt my hand on the *bleep* blender."  Is that even possible?  I'm guessing you don't get an A in Foods.
*"Maybe we can weld it together!"  As 5 boys huddle around a lawn chair in the hall.  That's the new thing.  BYOL.  Bring your own lawn chair.

to me:
*"You look nice today.  But from the neck down to your waist, it's kind of like an army jacket."  p.s. that was a dude.  Stop looking at me.  Same one that told me I looked like I was dressed like Peter Pan the other day.  Also the same one that told me he reallly liked my boots.  I just pretend that he's batting for the other team.

*"Ms. Wies!  My butt really hurts."  "Ok.  Don't want to know."  "No, but it HURTS.  Like inside my butt crack."  'You are are strange person.  I never want to know these things.  Text your grandma instead of telling me."  By the way, he claimed he hurt his tailbone on my chair, thus being my fault.  Then why the H does it hurt your crack?  He also told me was going to start telling me all of these things because he doesn't have a mom so now it's my job.  Awesome.

*"Ms. Wies! I drew you!  See, these are your angel wings and halo."  This sounds sweet but he also drew another teacher who shall remain nameless with horns and devil spear.  So it kind of ruined the moment.

My self-esteem

Should never be determined by high school students.

This morning as soon as I walked in I was greeted with, "Oh Wies, you look so tired."  "Umm...thanks."  "No! I just mean, you look like you don't feel well."  "Even better."

2 hours later, a student is telling me about how he's met my cousin, Lyndi, and decided that him and his friend are going to take us on a double date.  No thanks.  Also, I'm taller than you. And so is she. And you're 16.  And that's just weird.  His response after I said  no thanks, "Why you always be turnin' me down when I'm hitting on you?"  {Awkward laughter from me.}  "Sorry?"

Another 2 hours later, one of my more socially awkward students is once again getting very sleepy in class.  We have a rule that I make him stand in the back for 5 minutes when this happens.  He's a very sweet kid, he just gets really tired I guess and also tells really long stories.  Today when we were talking about how he was sleeping in my class, he replied, "I just got tired of looking at her."  Everyone then said, "Oh, that's mean!"  I died laughing.  And he felt terrible and said, "No! I'm sorry!  I'm just not good with my words!"  Poor kid.  He might need some help in the woman department ASAP.

Homecoming, oh my

Life is fun sometimes.  And sometimes it's not.  Like when you're dead tired from the musical but then it's Homecoming week right after, spiced up with 2 nights of conferences.  However, these are the weeks I remind myself WHY I try to really enjoy a relaxing summer.

Homecoming week is always interesting.  Some highlights:

1.My room is near the junior hallway.  Said juniors decided to have a rave between each class period.  If you want to know how many raves I've listened to today, it's 5.  It only stops if you go unplug their stereo.

2.In honor of spirit day, some of the boys decided to wear those itty bitty cheer shorts.  You know the kind:  they're cotton with elastic waistband and they have about a 1 inch inseam.  Those.  On boys.  With really white thighs.  Without compression shorts.  Let's just say I made an extremely conscious effort to only look at them from the waist up.

3. The pep rally.  We get forced to do lip sync.  I donned a mullet wig with some other "teach's" out there and did "Dream On."  It was actually fun.

4.  The senior class this year is great.  Beyond great actually.  They organized a flash mob for their lip sync and I was thoroughly impressed.

5. It's over.  That's a highlight.  Sometimes I get asked why I didn't dress up more for spirit day (I do the minimum, aka I wear navy) or this or that.  My response is always this:  "Well, I feel like I used up all of my spirit in high school, when I participated 110% as a student.  Also, I don't want to look too much like you."  As well as the fact that I'm still good on the dressing up bit from the sorority days.  The pink zip up skirt and fishnet stockings don't need to be donned in front of 16 year old boys, thanks.

well huh

This conversation ensued today:

Me:  (After seeing a student sleeping.  Mind you, class has been in session for a total of 5 minutes.  Apparently the journal entry was THAT boring today.)  Hey, what's with the tired business?
Student:  OMG, I got like 2 hours of sleep last night.
Me:  Oh yikes.  Why?
Student:  I don't even know!

5 minutes later...same student.
Student:  Ummm, are we like doing anything important today?
Me:  What kind of question is that?  I'm not sure I even know how to answer.
Student:  Well, can I go to the nurse's office and take a nap?
Me:  Yeah, no.  I'm not letting you skip class to take a nap.  (Ahem, especially when you're barely passing my class but I'm sure this entire scenario is unrelated.)
Student:  But I'm soooo tired.
Me:  I'm very sorry but you're going to have to suck it up.

Now to be fair, I'm sure this student is tired as it's homecoming and there is lots going on, etc.  And also fair that she would like to take a nap in the nurse's office.  I have certainly done that in my student days.  Especially when I didn't want to change my clothes for aerobics.  However, at least LIE and tell me you don't feel well.  I would have been none the wiser and would have let you go to the nurse to take this much needed nap. But to ask in front of class and blatantly want me to allow you to skip?  Get some street smarts, student. Plz and thx.

For Ashley and Joy

As most of you know, this little thing called the Norris musical takes over my life every year for a solid 6 weeks.  I mostly love it, it's a great creative outlet for me, and it's something that I've worked really hard to build for the past 5 years.  This was the 5th installment in ridiculousness of sets and costumes and 80+ casts.  Some day I'll learn to downsize but that day is not today nor is it probably in the near future.  My padre is one amazing dad for many reasons but one of them is the fact that he builds all of my sets.  And to be really honest, doesn't really tell me "no".  When I said to him this year, "Dad, here are the pictures I'm thinking of but I want it to be so pretty and awesome, that the crowd ahhs when you pull back the curtain."  And at least on that end, the show was a success.  (It was in other ways as well but I probably won't get into it because that would be weird.)

The good news about The Sound of Music is that I never actually got tired of listening to the songs.  That almost never happens.  (Put it this way:  by performance 5 of Wizard of Oz last year, I was asking if Dorothy was home yet and if never wanted to hear the 5 chords of "I'm off to See the Wizard" EVER again.)  It also is just an enjoyable story with cute kids to boot.  So here it is in pictures for my 2 dear friends that couldn't see it but were sending their love from thousands of miles away.  Love you both.  (And yes, I'll send the DVD but I think it's weird that you'll watch it.  It IS just a high school musical after all...not exactly a cinematic experience but choose your poison, I suppose.)

Do Re Mi

The 80+ cast and crew doing bows.  (The stained glassed windows were still out from the closing scene.)  

The ending "So Long Farewell" part at the festival before they escape.

Wide shot of "The Lonely Goatherd" and the set.  Easily my most favorite part of the show.

 Close up of the marionettes.  We had a mom make them over the summer and now we're telling her she has to rent them online.  (Because they don't exist.)  They were amazing.

 The kids lined up in their costumes.  So stinking cute.

 Good picture of the full stage.  Yes, that's crown molding, and yes, I made my wonderful dad chop the two pillars down after he made them.  He obliged even though it was more work.  What can I say?  I'm a perfectionist and I see things a certain way.  (Thankfully, that trait 100% comes from him so at least he gets it.)

My solution to the kids playing in the trees during "Do Re Mi".  It was surprisingly another favorite part.  It was also the solution to not renting a backdrop.  The hills were alive with trees from a pasture and your imagination.  Thank you.

There you have it.  They're not in order but I'm tired and I don't think it really matters.  Miss you both dearly.  

Hawaii

We were talking about traveling to other countries today and in all seriousness, this girl looks at me and says, "I've been to Hawaii, that counts!!"  

"Uh, dear, Hawaii is part of the United States. Your country."  

"But it's overseas!"  

"Yes, while it's not part of the contiguous states, it is still part of the U.S."  

"But they speak Japanese there!  I was there!!"  

"Ohhhhhhh my.  Ok.  Um, I think we have a problem."

this week

I fell flat on my bum in the hallway.  I slipped on water and bruised my knee and the top of my foot.  So that was fun.  No sprained ankle at least.  We'll save that for winter.

I can't get used to it!

Teaching an extra class, that is.  I'm doing my best this week to stick it out but for some reason, that extra 50 minutes of students a day coupled with the fact that my plan is now at the end of the day every day equals utter exhaustion.  Because you know, if you get to 2:30, all you want to do is sit and eat a snack and look at your Google reader in pure silence.

I forgot how many dumb questions I get asked.  Thankfully, summer had erased those memories.  But now they're all roaring back.  Some of my favorites so far:

Student:  So if I didn't write my sentences, is it still considered not done?
Me:  Well, wasn't the assignment to draw a caricature and write sentences?  So yeah, I'd say that qualifies as "not done."

Student:  So can I call you Wizzle?
Me:  Do you have to?

Student:  Since when did we have a quiz?!?
Me:  Since I told you 3 times last class, put it on the online calendar and wrote it on the board 4 days ago.

Student:  Ugh, I'm already sick of school  I don't want to be here.  Oh, no offense.
Me:  None taken.  Seriously.

Student:  So, like, did I miss anything?
Me:  No, we did nothing for 90 minutes.  (Also, what is your name?  I barely remember that you're in my class...oops.)

Student:  Do we really need to know the word "bladder" for our quiz?
Me:  Is it on your sheet where I said we're taking a quiz over ALL the body parts on the list?
Student:  Yeah.  So we have to know it?
Me:  I guess it will be a surprise.  (And these are the smart ones!)

Panic! It's a quiz!

Or at least that's how most of my Spanish 2 students feel.  It actually makes me panic as well because after you grade the first quiz, you have an idea for how long of a year it's going to be.  And let's just say that with some of these students, getting them to learn Spanish might feel like I'm teaching them until May of 2015.  Not that it's helped by a lovely student I'm getting to know who keeps telling me he is going to fail.  Ok, I'm sure you'll be fine, I say .  Finally after the 4th time of him telling me I should just put an F on his paper, I ask him if he's even studied.  He looks at me incredulously and says, "Ha. No!"  (Of which I'm pretty sure he censored out the "hell no" for my benefit.) Ok, great.  I just sweetly reply, "Fabulous.  You might not pass then.  Why are you taking this class, can you remind me?" "Uh, to get into college!"  Great.  I think that's going to go well for you. (Don't worry I kept that to myself.  This is why I blog, people!)  FYI, he's super busy practicing for football.  Just ask him.

And this just in:  A Spanish 4 student just very firmly told me that the word "anyway" wasn't in the dictionary (again after I sweetly told him to look it up himself.  I'm full of sweetness today, I swear.)  I said, "Are you sure? I don't believe you."  "It's not in there, I swear!!"  I take the dictionary and then have to politely inform him that he is looking in the Spanish to English side.  "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh."  Yeah, welcome to level 4, buddy.  Also known as Library 110 apparently.

wow.

That's all I have to say .  Second day of school, first embarrassing moment of the year.  The side zipper in my dress went out.  IN CLASS.  In front of my new students.  All I knew is that I felt air on my side and looked down and a string of profanities ran through my head. Hoping no one had noticed, I walked back to my desk and tried to run the Clicker program from there until I could run to get a safety pin 10 minutes later.  I made it but after assessing the damage, I realized there was no way it was even semi-salvageable with a few well-placed safety pins so I decided to change.  Thankfully, and I cannot stress that word enough, I had another change of clothes in the car because I have to run straight to a rehearsal dinner after work.

So I run back to my class trying to hold my dress shut (and do you have any idea how hard that is when it's on the side and a good foot and a half of you is exposed? really awkward and difficult is the answer), and tell my new class, "Umm...sorry but my dress just broke so I have to go change!"  As I'm running out of the room a girl asks me, "Can I go to my locker?"  I reply with an exasperated voice, "I don't care where you go, my dress is broken!"

Yeah, so that was my Friday.  Welcome, new students.  Bow chicka wow wow, obvi.

Did you know...

That the above image can cause severe panic and chaos in the workplace?  Yes, friends, it can.  Due to some unfortunate cuts, we lost an employee for this coming school year that used to make all of our copies.  Which was awesome, to be sure.  However, not a reality anymore.  And probably you're not going to die of a brain aneurysm if you try to work it.  ( The machine, not your body, although the latter could loosen up a few people...)

I decided to make lemons out of lemonade, or rather 700 copies in an hour, out of the situation.  I had two machines going at once and became BFF's with the electric 3 hole puncher.  Man, I love that thing.  If grammar and I ever break up, (*gasp* and perish the thought), I may consider dating this beauty: 

So while I was running around doing all of those things and maximizing the hell out of my time, I also had to deal with some disgruntled coworkers who just couldn't handle the thought of making her own copies.  So I tried to help her unclog the machine (that she had jammed by opening the drawer while my own delightful yellow copies were being made) and still no respite from the stress.  I even promised lessons on the machine but I don't think that helped.  Then another coworker (not directed at me but at someone else) got upset that this person was making 200 copies.  Uhhh...it's after 4, dude.  It's going to be okay.  Wait in line like everyone else.  (Oh yeah, I did that.  I sat in the chair with my yellow paper and played solitaire until it was my turn.  You have to be in it to win it here, folks.  Or maybe just have patience when making copies.)

Ok, the real secret to why I'm not stressed about this?  Because in typical me fashion, I was always behind anyway on turning in my forms to be copied so I have almost always had to do them myself.  Now I just don't have to feel as guilty about it.  Plus it was the best part of my job in college.  What can I say?  I get pretty stoked about office supplies and tools.  (Although not the office tools I worked with in the form of males.  That had weird names...that rhymed with mine...or weird hair...but I digress.)

I'm so sorry

But I've been a bad blogger lately.  Thank you, Ashley, for pointing that out.  Pretty much since my last post, I returned home for 48 hours, went on vacation for a week to a lake in Minnesota with the fam, then returned home to a mess of craziness and out-of-town visitors and general un-preparedness for school to start.  Oh yes, and I read like it was my job.  Because I didn't have a job.  And while I had other things to do, those also didn't pay me money, so I figured I do something I wanted to do that also didn't pay me money, aka read.  Nonfiction books set in Afghanistan have topped the list as well as a foray into Tolstoy (the Russian names in Anna Karenina are severely off-putting at first but I'm trying to power through) and now I'm at a ceasefire with reading because I actually have to work.  What is that about??

I'm sitting in my classroom typing this (after hours, it's totally appropriate) and I'm pretty sure the same fly that annoyed me back in May is still here.  That rocks.

don't travel with me

If you don't like being embarrassed.  Or do travel with me if you like to laugh.  This post is solely for the purpose of expounding on this topic.

When I was 20 and travelling around Europe, I vowed to myself that I would NEVER travel around here again with a giant suitcase.  It scarred me for life and from thenceforth, made me a very light packer.  But here I am again, doing what I said I would never do.  (But worth it to cart gifts back and forth for the Clark family.)  The reason I'm so emphatic about this is not because I'm lazy or a super smooth traveler or something.  It's because I shouldn't have that much weight to drag around.  I'm a danger to myself and others. Also, apparently I'm a magnet for other nationalities hating on me while I travel.

Some thank yous and apologies:

  Thank you to the many Asian girls who shoved me out of the way to make their train.  Literally shoved.  Thank you to all the people that didn't move as I tried to lug my giant suitcase through the tiny train hallway.  Apparently they didn't understand American swear words.  Or be able to read my face.  Thank you, suitcase, airport employees for breaking the handle on my suitcase.  Thank you, suitcase, for continuing that trend and breaking off the bottom stand so that it now tips.  Thank you to the older gentlemen in line at EasyJet asking each other what it means when you've witnessed a crime but didn't report it.  Thank you for supporting my fear. And thank you to the snotty woman at British customs who gave me hell about my address.

Read the following convo with a British accent in y our head:
Her:  Do you know how big Great Britain is?
Me: Yes.  It's big.
Her:  Well, Holiday Inn, where are you staying?  This doesn't help me.
Me:  In Zone 1, in London.  (Keep in mind, this is all Katie put as well and she got through fine.  I should have picked a guy so I could bat my eyelashes.  I'm not above that.)
Her:  Well, there are quite possible a hundred Holiday Inns in Zone 1.  (whoa, hyperbole.  Also, are YOU even British?)
Me:  Sigh.  (but held back an eye roll) I have the address.  One moment.  (I dig it out.)
Her:  Well, okay, what are you going to be doing here. (As if I was allegedly staying at the Holiday Inn.)
Me:  Travel.
Her:  Well, okay.  (And then she stamps it with fury.)

Whatever.  But here are my apologies:

Sorry to the British man when my carry-on suitcase tipped over on him and as I tried to catch it, I grabbed his crotch.  I kid you not.  I had to say sorry and then turn away because I was laughing and also super embarrassed.  Sorry to the British girl my age as we were waiting in line for the bus.  My suitcase also tipped over on her, she yelled F*$@ and then kept rubbing her leg.  I apologized and again had to turn around to keep from laughing.  And I also wanted to say (as she kept rubbing her leg 5 minutes later), "Oh you're fine, I almost fell down a cliff and it still has pus!"  Also, sorry to her and her friend later on as I tried to close my umbrella while trying to get on the bus and almost took out her eye  and mine.  I finally said to her, "You shouldn't stand by me.  I'm a danger to myself and others."

I am also a magnet for high school tour groups.  I CAN'T GET AWAY FROM THE HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS!  In line at the airport, for trains, in Picadilly Circus.  Gross.  So now I will traipse about London all day with my umbrella and inevitably do more embarrassing things.  At least I find myself funny and I've embarrassed myself enough that it doesn't really phase me anymore.

Have a Nice day...

In NICE.  Hahahaha.  Guess what's not shocking?  The French Riviera looks a whole lot like the Italian Riviera.  But Nice had way more people.  We had originally planned to spend most of our time in the south of France but after obsessively reading about things, decided on Cinque Terre, Italy instead.  We definitely made the right choice.  Not that Nice wasn't pretty but a city is a city and it was super crowded with beach-goers.  But fun to see, nonetheless.

Here's something I don't get:  why the naked statues in the center of the city?  Art schmart, who wants to say "meet me by the giant penis?"  Not this girl.  Also, after you've seen the David in Florence, all other statues seem stupid so maybe that's my problem.

There are many pictures of me walking because Ashley is lolly-gagging behind and I'm finding out where we're going.

We ended our day in Nice with a lovely evening outside with just dessert and it lived up to our expectations.  We sat outside and laughed a lot and ate our French dessert and it was a perfect way to end my time with Ash, before I had to say goodbye again for 9 months or so.  DUMB.  But so thankful I got to spend this much time with her.  And I waited to cry until later.

Last Day in Cinque Terre

Yes, friends, it had to come to an end.  But great vacation regardless.  We decided to hit up the last 2 villages of the 5 on the last day and go on famous "Via dell'amore" walk that was NOT treacherous, and honestly, a little touristy.  But great views nonetheless.

This isn't actually it but we had to take a picture of it after we walked by it everyday.  We thought those cubbies looked like what they would use in old-school Hollywood Squares game. You know, that game show that Joan Rivers and Whoopi Goldberg were always on?  Except this one would have Napoleon and Cleopatra and be filled with time travel and stuff.   (We already know we're cool:  we brought our fantasy novels with us everywhere we went anyway...)

Just getting in the mood for my lover's walk here...

Wanted Katie to know I care about her.  (No, I would never mock something that's forced romance here...)

Nothing says lovers walk like professing your love for the Biebs.  This is the town it starts in by the way, Riomaggiore.  Kate wouldn't try to say it and call it the "R-one" and Ashley would just call it Rigamortis and I of course, had to say it in correct Italian.

Romantical waves and cliffs that reminded me of those Big Sur waterbed commercials from when I was a kid.

At the entrance to the lover's walk.  Because you know, nothing says I love you like a lock??

Does this one say "Kenny and Denis" or "Kenny and Penis"???  Either way, it's in a heart so it makes it sweet, right?  (Apparently you're supposed to graffiti your love on the cliffs. Lame.)

Another beach we tried in Vernazza.  It had sand but it also had lots of kids, that decided to hang out around my towel and talk to me in Italian.  It looked like they all belonged to me. 

Post beach goodness, right here, folks.  Obviously another contender for that eHarmony profile later on.

Sicky and Sicky with their gelato again.

Yay for last night in the pretty place!  

RELAX!

That's what this next day was all about (and forgive me, I'm super behind but at least I"m putting the pictures up...)  Because we were so exhausted from our treacherous hike the day before, we decided to rent some chairs and just lay out all day.  And because Ashley and Katie were both fighting colds and I was fighting pus on my knee and lots of bruises.  (P.S. Saltwater on these things induces me to say not nice things.  Oopsies.)

Here's Katie, a little pre-different nationality.  She's cute.  And made for the beach.

I mean, laying out here is pretty tough.  This is also a picture of the cliff our hotel was on.  We loved it.  As in, it could not have been more perfect.

Our umbrellas and a few European swimsuits for your liking...

Post beach, waiting for our shuttle to take us down the cliff.  I'm modeling my bandage.  I didn't know it was going to be stark white, I just knew it was bigger and semi-medicated (at least what I got from the Italian on the package...)  If in ten years, I'm single, I'm totally using this as my eHarmony prof pic and pretending I still look like this and you know, because it shows off my best quality:  gracefulness...

Ash doing a senior pic before we wait for the shuttle. 

This is cute until you notice my awkward hands.  Why do I always do creepy things with my wrists?

If you've seen the movie Bridesmaids, I decided to do a demo of Kristen Wiig's impression of...well, if you don't know, it means you haven't seen the movie and I'm not telling you about it.  But Ashley and I maybe did this face to each other 5 times a day.

Our menu at dinner.  We were so glad it was English.  It was pretty good, too.  If you can't read it, it says, "our foods are cocked at the moment, with the best attentions of our staf of chefs, please wait with mind, so you can taste what we prepare for you, we are (kike you) humans, not robot; We can't do miracles, enjoy  your holidays with peace and quite and...........................Good lunch or dinner."

So you guys, kike you, I'm human, not robot.  I can't do miracles and cock up a new blogsy post everyday, so kike you, enjoy your heat in Nebraska with peace and quite....Good lunch to you.

Post dinner check of my bandage.  (You may laugh but I was in pain.)

Not appreciating Ashley's sense of humor in said pain.

Jill and Ash walking down the sidewalk, aka, "Ebony and Ivory."

Ashley enjoying her non-dairy chocolate gelato again.  Neat!

 This is Katie on vacation, summed up.  Tan and eating gelato.

 I'm weird.  That's all the caption this picture needs.

Our non-hiking shoes!

Our private beach at night.  Those are umbrellas, not construction cones.

Try not to cock too much in these Nebraska heat I hear you're all having.  Because kike Nebraksa, Italy and Spain have also been super hot.  Remember we are humans, not robot.  Those are my words of wisdom for the day.